Attachment theory has long been a popular topic in the world of self-help—but how important are our attachment styles, really?
Attachment styles, which typically are formed in childhood and inform how we operate as adults, are like blueprints for our relationships. Without knowledge of what our attachment styles are and how they impact our adult lives, we might find ourselves repeating hurtful conditioning or patterns, which can not only influence our relationships with those around us, but the relationship we have with ourselves.
In this blog, we’ll explain the four different types of attachment, where they come from, how they impact our adult lives and relationships, and how you can cope with yours.
What is attachment theory?
Coined by the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, attachment theory refers to how our early interactions with caregivers influence how we, as individual adults, approach relationships, communicate our needs, and cope with stress and conflict.
According to attachment theory, caregivers' responses to a child's needs—whether they are consistently available and supportive or inconsistent and unresponsive—affect the child's sense of security.
Identifying our attachment style(s) can be helpful, but they don’t define who we are. Rather, understanding our attachment styles can help give us a framework for thinking about how we behave in relationships.
What are the attachment styles?
According to research, there are four different types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized:
Secure attachment
- Signs of secure attachment in adults: Individuals with secure attachment tend to feel comfortable with intimacy, trust others, and have positive self-esteem. They are able to express their emotions openly and effectively regulate them. In relationships, they seek support when needed but also maintain independence and autonomy.
- Primary caregiver relationship: The primary caregiver of securely attached individuals typically responds consistently and sensitively to their needs. They provide a secure base from which the individual can explore the world and offer comfort and reassurance when needed.
- Example in childhood: Ryan, securely attached, expresses sadness when her mother informs her that she'll be away for a few days on a business trip. However, she trusts her mother's reassurance that she'll return and understands that her absence is temporary.
Anxious attachment
- Signs of anxious attachment in adults: Individuals with anxious attachment type may fear abandonment, have low self-esteem, and seek constant reassurance from others. They often worry about their relationships and may become overly dependent on their partners for validation and support.
- Primary caregiver relationship: The primary caregiver of individuals with anxious attachment may have been inconsistently responsive to their needs. They may have provided intermittent comfort and support, leading to feelings of uncertainty and anxiety in the individual.
- Example in childhood: Ryan, anxiously attached, becomes visibly distressed when her mother mentions her upcoming business trip. She worries incessantly about her mother's safety and fears being left alone. Throughout the trip, Ryan repeatedly calls her mother, seeking reassurance and expressing her anxieties about being separated.
Avoidant attachment
- Signs of avoidant attachment in adults: Individuals with avoidant attachment tend to prioritize independence and self-reliance, often suppressing their emotions and avoiding intimacy. They may have difficulty expressing their needs and maintaining close relationships.
- Primary caregiver relationship: The primary caregiver of individuals with avoidant attachment may have been emotionally distant or unresponsive to their needs. They may have discouraged emotional expression or dismissed the individual's feelings, leading to a sense of emotional detachment.
- Example in childhood: Ryan, avoidantly attached, appears indifferent when her mother tells her about her upcoming business trip. She dismisses her mother's departure, claiming she doesn't mind being alone. During the trip, Ryan avoids talking about her mother and keeps herself busy with other activities.
Disorganized attachment
- Signs of disorganized attachment in adults: Individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit contradictory behaviors, such as seeking closeness and then withdrawing abruptly. They may struggle with emotional regulation and have difficulty forming stable and secure relationships.
- Primary caregiver relationship: The primary caregiver of individuals with disorganized attachment may have been inconsistent or even abusive in their caregiving. They may have exhibited frightening or disoriented behaviors, leaving the individual feeling confused and unsure of how to respond.
- Example in childhood: Ryan, disorganized attached, displays conflicting behaviors when her mother prepares to leave for her business trip. Initially, she clings to her mother, expressing fear and reluctance to see her go. However, as her mother tries to comfort her, Ryan suddenly pushes her away or becomes agitated, unable to tolerate the separation. These contradictory reactions leave both Ryan and her mother feeling confused and uncertain about their relationship dynamics.
Can I have all four attachment styles?
After reading about each attachment styles, you might be wondering: Can I have all four attachment styles?
It’s a good question. In truth, attachment styles aren’t set in stone. In fact, many people fluctuate between them throughout their lives or experience a mix of different attachment styles at different times, or even all four at once.
How do attachment styles affect our relationships?
As we explored earlier, knowing our attachment styles helps us understand the lens through which we view the world and our relationships. Just as different lenses alter our perception of colors and shapes, our attachment styles shape how we see and experience intimacy, trust, and connection with others.
In general, however, attachment styles deeply influence how we form, maintain, and experience relationships throughout our lives, particularly through how we:
- Navigate conflict
- Do or do not seek support
- Form connections
- Regulate our emotions
- Handle dependence or independence
- Engage or don’t engage with intimacy
- Communicate
What forms an attachment style?
As we discussed, attachment styles can change over time, and many things can influence how we behave in our relationships. In fact, you might even experience all four attachment styles throughout your life due to different causes.
However, some common factors that influence our attachment style include:
Early caregiver relationships: The quality of our early relationships with primary caregivers, typically parents or caregivers, plays a significant role in shaping our attachment style. Consistent and responsive caregiving fosters secure attachment, while inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can lead to insecure attachment.
Parental attachment styles: Parents' own attachment styles can influence how they respond to their children's needs and emotions. Children often model their attachment behaviors after those of their parents, leading to a generational transmission of attachment styles.
Childhood experiences: Traumatic experiences, such as loss, abuse, or parental divorce, can impact the development of attachment styles. These experiences may disrupt secure attachments and contribute to the development of insecure attachment patterns.
Temperament: Individual temperament and personality traits also play a role in shaping attachment styles. Some children may be naturally more resilient and adaptable, while others may be more sensitive or reactive to environmental stressors, influencing their attachment behaviors.
Cultural and societal influences: Cultural norms and societal expectations regarding parenting practices, emotional expression, and relationships can influence attachment styles. Cultural differences in family structure, parenting practices, and values may shape attachment patterns within different cultural contexts.
How to earn a secure attachment
If you find that you either have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, or resonate with some of the signs, know that you can make progress toward “earning” a secure attachment style—no matter how old you are.
While each attachment style requires its own set of interventions, there are some universal tips for moving toward secure attachment, for whatever insecure attachment style you find yourself in:
Educate yourself: Learning about attachment theory and understanding how it impacts your behavior and relationships is one of the first and most important steps toward making a change.
Communicate openly: If you find that your attachment is impacting your relationships, open up to trusted loved ones about your needs and concerns, and start an honest conversation.
Join support groups: Dealing with an insecure attachment style can be incredibly hard, and often feel lonely at times. Consider joining groups or communities where you can share experiences and gain support from others with similar challenges
Be patient with yourself: Because our attachment styles are often created from early, formative experiences, changing or altering them can take time. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on developing a more secure attachment style.
Seek out securely attached people: Regardless of your attachment style, try and find people within your network that seem securely attached. Whether it’s a partner or just a friend or acquaintance, forming or strengthening a relationship with a securely attached person can help influence your behaviors, too.
Get professional support: Resolving attachment issues often involves confronting and understanding difficult childhood experiences or trauma. Getting matched with a professional can help you better understand your attachment style, where it comes from, and how you can create more secure relationships in a safe and supportive environment.
