Do you often feel like your happiness depends on others? Or that you’re constantly seeking validation or sacrificing your own needs to please someone else? If so, you might be experiencing codependency.
Codependency can be a very confusing and difficult experience — whether you’re in a codependent relationship with a romantic partner, friend, or even a family member. It can be hard to distinguish exactly what codependency is, how it differs from healthy closeness and interdependence, and how — if you think you are codependent — to break free.
In this blog, we’ll explore everything you need to know about codependency so you can begin to do the work of healing and cultivate healthier and more fulfilling connections with those around you.
What is codependency?
The term codependent is often incorrectly used to describe two or many people who are closely connected — like a best friend or partner. But in truth, codependency is about more than just being close to someone you love and care about.
Codependency is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior in which individuals in the relationship prioritize the needs, feelings, and desires of others over their own. Typically, codependent relationships often involve an excessive reliance on others for approval, validation, and a sense of identity.
What does codependency look like in a relationship?
To better understand this, let's look at a common example of a codependent relationship:
Felix and Jen are two best friends who've been inseparable since high school. Felix has always played a sort of caretaker role in the relationship. Any time Jen has a problem — which is often — Felix drops everything to help find a solution and fix whatever challenge Jen has in front of her. Felix constantly puts Jen's needs ahead of their own and is always afraid of letting her down.
On the other hand, Jen relies heavily on Felix for emotional support and validation. Jen frequently turns to Felix with her problems and expects Felix to drop everything to come to her rescue. She rarely reciprocates Felix’s gestures of kindness and often takes their generosity for granted.
In this codependent friendship, Felix’s sense of self-worth is tied to their ability to meet Jen’s needs and make her happy. They fear rejection or abandonment if they were to assert their own boundaries or prioritize their own needs. Meanwhile, Jen depends on Felix to fulfill her emotional and practical needs, but she struggles to empathize with Felix’s experiences or acknowledge the impact of her behavior on their friendship.
In a healthy, balanced friendship, Felix and Jen’s dynamic might look quite different: Felix helps Jen with her problems and offers emotional support, but not at the expense of their own happiness. And Jen, while still calling Felix occasionally for advice, depends on herself to fix her own issues, and engages in an equal give-and-take in the relationship.
What's the difference between codependence and an interdependent relationship?
One of the keys to learning how to not be codependent in a relationship is by understanding what a healthy, interdependent relationship dynamic looks like.
Codependence
- Balance of power: Codependence refers to a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person (the giver) excessively relies on another person (the taker) for their sense of identity, self-worth, and emotional well-being.
- Boundaries: In a codependent relationship, boundaries are blurred or nonexistent, and individuals may prioritize the needs and wants of the other person over their own, often to their detriment.
- Lack of independence and autonomy: Both or one person in the relationship feels enmeshed with the other, and don’t have a clear sense of self.
Interdependence
- Balance of power: The relationship is characterized by mutual respect, and collaboration, with all parties contributing to the well-being and happiness of each other.
- Boundaries: In an interdependent relationship, boundaries are respected, and all parties are able to express their needs, wants, and feelings openly and assertively.
- Independence and autonomy: Interdependence refers to a healthy relationship dynamic where individuals maintain their individual identity and sense of self while also mutually supporting and relying on each other.
In general, interdependent relationships are characterized by mutual respect, communication, and collaboration, while codependent relationships often involve control, resentment, and a lack of boundaries.
What are some signs of codependency?
Signs of codependency can appear in a few different ways, but there are some common emotional, behavioral, and relationship dynamic indicators to look out for:
- Low self-esteem and self-blame: Constantly seeking validation from others to feel worthy or adequate and assuming responsibility for others' feelings or behaviors, even when it's unwarranted.
- Anxiety and/or depression: Feeling anxious or fearful when separated from a particular person or anticipating their disapproval or abandonment.
- People-pleasing and caretaking: Going to great lengths to meet others' needs and expectations, often at the expense of one's own well-being in order to avoid conflict.
- Boundary and identity issues: Having difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships and struggling to define oneself outside of the context of relationships.
- Enabling and controlling behaviors: Supporting or covering up for others' dysfunctional behavior to maintain the status quo or attempting to control or manipulate others' actions or outcomes to feel safe or secure.
- Lack of independence: Depending excessively on others for emotional support, decision-making, or problem-solving.
What causes codependency?
Codependency can be caused by a few different things:
- Family history: Growing up in a family environment where emotional needs were neglected, invalidated, or overshadowed by the needs of others can contribute to the development of codependent behaviors. This might include having a parent who struggled with addiction, mental illness, or was emotionally unavailable.
- Trauma or abuse: Experiencing trauma or abuse, whether in childhood or later in life, can erode a person's sense of self and lead to a heightened need for external validation and security. Trauma might include violence, neglect, or exploitation.
- Cultural or societal norms: Cultural and societal expectations around gender roles, relationships, and caregiving can influence the development of codependent behaviors. For example, women with a “submissive cultural script” are more than 8 times more likely to display signs of codependency.
- Substance abuse or addiction: Being in a relationship with someone who struggles with substance abuse or addiction can contribute to the development of codependent behaviors. Codependent individuals may enable their partner's destructive habits or sacrifice their own well-being in an attempt to maintain the relationship or prevent their partner from experiencing negative consequences.
How to stop being codependent
Being in a codependent relationship can be incredibly difficult to navigate, especially if you’re in one with someone you love and care about.
While learning how to not be codependent can be frightening, and doesn’t happen overnight, it’s entirely possible to accomplish, no matter who you are, or what kind of relationship you’re in.
Acknowledge the need for change
Recognizing that your relationships may be impacted by codependency is one of the first and most important steps in learning how to fix codependency in your life.
Remember, it takes strength to acknowledge the need for change. You're not alone on this journey — so many of us struggle with experiences associated with codependency, sometimes with the people we care for and love the most. However, acknowledging that you need to reshape your relationship(s) is essential for creating a healthy and sustainable one(s) — even with the person or people you’re most afraid of upsetting.
Reflect on your motivations and behavior
Another essential initial step is to gently and compassionately reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and actions within your relationships. In doing so, you’ll be able to identify any patterns or triggers that may contribute to your codependent behaviors. Remember, this reflection isn't about blame or judgment — it's about gaining insight and clarity as you move forward.
To do this, consider asking yourself the following questions, and even writing down the answers in a journal:
- Do I tend to prioritize others' needs over my own?
- Am I constantly seeking approval or validation from others?
- Do I struggle to assert my own boundaries and preferences?
- Do I feel anxious or uncomfortable when I'm not with someone else?
- Am I able to enjoy my own company and pursue my own interests independently?
- Am I afraid of rejection or abandonment if I don't meet others' expectations?
- Do I worry about being seen as selfish or uncaring if I prioritize my own needs?
- Am I often the caretaker or rescuer, putting others' needs before my own?
- Do I rely on others for validation or a sense of identity and self-worth?
- Do I feel resentful or threatened when others assert their independence or autonomy?
- Am I able to respect others' boundaries and support their self-care and well-being?
- What qualities and behaviors do I value in healthy, supportive relationships?
Improve your self-esteem
Research shows that there’s often a connection between codependency and low self-esteem — people who suffer from low self-worth tend to be more prone to codependency. And that makes sense: if you have a lack of self-confidence or self-love, you might be more susceptible to needing others’ approval and validation.
To improve your self-esteem and stop relying on others for self-worth, you might try:
- Practicing self-care: Prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental well-being by engaging in activities that nourish and replenish you. Make time for activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment, whether it's exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing hobbies and interests, which can boost confidence and overall well-being.
- Challenging negative self-talk: Pay attention to your inner dialogue and challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Replace self-critical thoughts with more compassionate and empowering statements that affirm your worth and capabilities.
- Committing to self-compassion: Learning how to stop being codependent is hard. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Embrace your imperfections and acknowledge that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
Set healthy boundaries
Establishing boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect, and it's an essential step toward overcoming codependency and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. While this is often one of the scarier steps in the process of breaking free from codependency, it’s often the most essential.
It’s important to remember that setting boundaries isn't about building walls — it's about creating space for mutual respect, understanding, and growth.
Consider setting:
- Emotional boundaries: Establishing limits on the emotional investment and involvement one has in relationships.
- Physical boundaries: Defining personal space and limits regarding physical touch and proximity.
- Time boundaries: Setting boundaries around how one allocates their time and energy.
- Communication boundaries: Establishing guidelines for effective and respectful communication.
- Material boundaries: Setting limits on the sharing or lending of material possessions and resources.
When setting these boundaries, be sure to communicate them clearly, assertively, and compassionately. And, listen openly and honestly to the feelings and perspectives of others in the relationship.
Cultivate self-reliance
Codependence is all about relying on another person or multiple people. So, in order to learn how to overcome codependency, you’ll need to learn how to rely on yourself a bit more.
Remember, that doesn’t mean that you have to be completely independent — it means reclaiming autonomy, and relying on others appropriately.
- Embrace independence: Trust yourself to make choices that are in alignment with your values and priorities. Seek guidance and advice when necessary, but ultimately rely on your own judgment and intuition.
- Take initiative: Be proactive in taking action toward your goals and desires. Instead of waiting for opportunities to come to you, seek them out and create them for yourself.
- Learn new skills: Continuously seek opportunities to learn and acquire new skills that will empower you to navigate life more independently. Whether it's learning a new language, mastering a hobby, or developing a professional skill, expanding your knowledge and abilities will increase your self-reliance.
Practice mindfulness
While mindfulness is another term that’s often overused and misused, it can be critical to finding yourself and learning how to stop codependency in its tracks.
Mindfulness can help you bring more awareness to your actions in order to change them by helping you to:
- Recognize codependent behaviors: Notice any tendencies to prioritize others' needs over your own, seek validation from external sources, or engage in people-pleasing behaviors.
- Pause and reflect before reacting: In moments of stress or conflict, take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in the present moment. Ask yourself what you truly need in that moment and whether your actions align with your values and boundaries.
- Develop self-awareness: Practice techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or body scanning to bring your attention to the present moment. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment or attachment.
Learn how to stop being codependent with Two Chairs
Understanding whether or not you’re in a codependent relationship, what led you to this kind of dynamic, and how to be less codependent, are all incredibly difficult to figure out on your own. While it’s possible to embark on this journey by yourself, many people seek support.
By teaming up with a licensed professional in therapy, you can more quickly and efficiently regain autonomy and independence and experience healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
With providers like Two Chairs, you can get matched with a therapist who’s uniquely trained to help you create the life and relationships you want — no matter if they’re with a friend, partner, or family member.
