Healthy relationships require a specific balance of both independence and dependence — each person in the relationship has their own identity and autonomy (independence) while feeling appropriately connected to another person for support and care (dependence).
But, sometimes, the scales of this balance of healthy independence and dependence tip. In codependent relationships, there tends to be much more dependence than independence, which can lead to an unhealthy and harmful dynamic, for everyone.
To better understand your relationships and yourself, we’ll unpack everything there is to know about interdependence vs. codependency, including signs of each, and what you can do to heal from a codependent relationship if you’re involved in one.
What is codependency?
Codependency, a term that first emerged from Alcoholics Anonymous, refers to an unhealthy, dysfunctional pattern of relating to others in intimate relationships — whether with friends, family, or other loved ones. Typically, codependency is characterized by excessive reliance on others for approval, identity, and self-worth, often at the expense of one's own needs, boundaries, and sense of self.
Though codependency is not listed in the DSM-V (Diagnostic Statistical Manual V, American Psychiatric Association), it’s still widely considered a painful and unhealthy relationship dynamic that is often identified by:
- Lack of boundaries or enmeshment: Codependents tend to have poor personal boundaries and struggle to separate their own thoughts, feelings, and identities from those of their loved one.
- Need for control: Codependents may try to control or manipulate another person’s behavior — often unknowingly — to avoid abandonment or cope with their own insecurities.
- People-pleasing and caretaking: Codependents often prioritize others over themselves — without receiving the same care in return — out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or not feeling “needed.”
- Low self-esteem: Codependents typically have a low opinion of themselves, and derive any sense of worth from their ability to care for others or gain approval from them.
- Addiction or substance abuse: Codependents often find themselves in relationships where addiction is involved (though that’s not always the case).
What is interdependent, or the opposite of codependent?
When considering codependency vs interdependency, it’s important to note that interdependency is a healthy, balanced way of relating to and connecting with others in relationships.
Unlike codependency, an interdependency relationship allows for intimacy, support, and connection while still maintaining a sense of autonomy and individuality for each person involved. It’s a relationship dynamic that also fosters greater well-being and satisfaction.
Some key characteristics of interdependency include:
- Clear boundaries: All parties have a strong sense of self and respect each other's boundaries, needs, and autonomy.
- Mutual support: Each person supports one another’s growth and well-being, without sacrificing their own needs or losing their sense of individuality.
- Emotional intimacy: There is a deep emotional connection, but each person also maintains their own identities and interests outside of the relationship.
- Balance of power: The relationship is based on equality, with each person contributing and having an equal say in decisions that affect them.
- Healthy dependence: Each person can depend on the other for emotional support, companionship, and practical assistance when needed — but this dependence is balanced and not excessive.
Interdependence vs. codependence: What’s the difference?
There are lots of differences between codependent and interdependent relationships.
Think of codependency and interdependence as two separate Venn diagrams. In a codependent relationship, each circle, or person in the relationship, eclipses the other — from afar, the two circles look like one circle. An interdependent relationship, however, looks like a more typical Venn diagram: the circles overlap slightly in the middle, but maintain their own individual shape.
In this way, codependency can be thought of as an imbalanced, dysfunctional way of relating that diminishes individuality. Interdependency, on the other hand, nurtures both togetherness and independence in a balanced, mutually supportive way.
While every relationship is different, codependent vs interdependent relationships can be spotted in a few ways:
Boundaries
- Codependency: Involves poor or nonexistent boundaries, with an unhealthy enmeshment between each person.
- Interdependency: Maintains clear, healthy boundaries that allow for individual identities and autonomy.
Self-identity and autonomy
- Codependency: In codependency, one's sense of self-worth and identity becomes reliant on the other person's approval or needs.
- Interdependency: Interdependency fosters a strong, separate sense of self for each person.
Reciprocity
- Codependency: Codependency leads to excessive caretaking, enabling, and sacrifice of oneself for the other.
- Interdependency: Interdependency involves mutual, healthy support without destructive over-involvement or neglect of self.
Balance of power and control
- Codependency: Codependent relationships often involve attempts to control or manipulate the other's behaviors and feelings.
- Interdependency: Interdependent relationships respect each person's autonomy without coercion.
How to know if you’re in a codependent relationship
Codependency can be one of the trickier relationship patterns to spot. Because the dynamic relies on enmeshment and extreme closeness, many people interpret signs of codependency as deep connection and love.
However, there are some ways to determine whether or not you’re in a codependent relationship.
Reflect on your emotional responses
One of the clearest signs of codependence often lies in your emotional reactions and behaviors. To understand if you’re in a codependent relationship, consider if you experience:
- Intense fear of abandonment: Do you experience excessive anxiety, panic, or distress at the thought or reality of your person leaving you or ending the relationship?
- Jealousy and possessiveness: Do you feel intensely jealous when the other person gives attention to others or becomes overly possessive of their time and energy?
- Difficulty identifying your own feelings: Are you often confused about what you're truly feeling versus simply mirroring your person's emotions?
- Mood dependency: Does your emotional state primarily hinge on whether your person is happy, approving, or meeting your needs?
- Denial of feelings: Do you tend to repress, deny, or minimize your own emotional experiences, especially when they conflict with your person's?
Answering "yes” to most of the above questions might indicate that your relationship is more codependent than interdependent.
Assess your boundaries
Boundaries are quite a common term, and for good reason—they help us cultivate autonomy and can prevent us from feeling taken advantage of or disrespected. While interdependent relationships rely on solid boundaries, codependent relationships rely on just the opposite: a lack of boundaries.
When considering whether or not you’re in a codependent relationship, ask yourself these boundary questions:
- Do you have difficulty making decisions or taking actions without excessively relying on another person's input or approval?
- Have you abandoned hobbies, friendships, or activities you previously enjoyed to devote more time to another person?
- Do you struggle to express diverging opinions or decline requests from another person, even when you want to?
- Do you frequently prioritize another person's needs over your own wants and routinely sacrifice your own self-care?
- Are you and another person overly involved in each other's personal responsibilities like work, finances, or relationships with others?
Examine your role in the relationship
Another great way to determine whether you're in a codependent relationship is to examine your actions and behaviors in that relationship.
Often, codependents have good intentions regarding their role in the relationship: They want to help and support their loved ones as much as possible. But without reciprocity, these good intentions can be taken advantage of and end up enabling another person's poor behavior.
Typically, codependents in a relationship occupy one of these “giver” roles or a mix of all three:
- Caretaker: You frequently put another person's needs before your own, even sacrificing your own well-being. And, you often give substantially more effort, energy and compromise than you receive in return from the other person.
- Rescuer: You find yourself constantly "rescuing" another person from their problems, responsibilities, or consequences instead of allowing them to take accountability. This might look like controlling or trying to “fix” the other person instead of accepting them as they are.
- Enabler: You often make excuses, minimizing or covering up for the other person's unhealthy behaviors instead of establishing boundaries.
For every “giver,” there’s usually a “taker.” A “taker” is typically the other person in the relationship who takes advantage of the “giver” either knowingly or unknowingly. In this way, the “taker” gives the “giver” a sense of purpose, and the “taker” gets their needs met, leading to an unhealthy pattern of relating to one another.
Identify patterns of communication
Taking a closer look at your communication patterns, too, is another great way to determine whether you’re involved in a relationship based on codependency vs interdependency. Codependents often experience:
- Difficulty expressing needs: You struggle to openly and directly communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries to the other person.
- Criticism/blame: Your communication is frequently laden with criticism, blame, and finger-pointing rather than taking responsibility for your own feelings.
- Passive-aggression: You or the other person tend to express anger, frustration, or disagreement through indirect means like sulking, avoidance, or sarcasm.
- Walking on eggshells: You find yourself censoring your true thoughts and feelings out of fear of upsetting the other person.
- Frequent apologies: You constantly feel the need to apologize, even when you've done nothing wrong.
Evaluate your self-esteem
Codependency and self-esteem often go hand in hand. When we have poor self-esteem — or we have a low opinion of ourselves — we tend to rely on others for our sense of self-worth and even accept poor behavior from others.
Low self-esteem in a codependent relationship might include:
- Deriving self-worth from another person: You base your sense of self-worth primarily on the other person's feelings towards you and their approval.
- Feeling not enough: The thought of being without the other person fills you with a sense that you couldn't cope or wouldn't have value alone.
- Lacking self-trust: You frequently second-guess yourself or depend excessively on your person to make decisions, even about your own life.
- Hearing a loud inner critic: You’re hyper-critical of yourself, constantly putting yourself down or ruminating over perceived flaws and mistakes.
- Staying in unhealthy situations: You often remain in situations or tolerate treatment from your person that you know is unhealthy or detrimental because you don't feel deserving of better.
Listen to feedback from friends and family
One of the best ways to determine if your relationship is based on codependency vs interdependency is to seek the insight of trusted family, friends, and loved ones.
Of course, these observations should be taken with a grain of salt — ultimately, your opinions and perceptions about the relationship are the priority. But it can be helpful to get an objective interpretation of your dynamic to help you understand it.
You might ask your family for their perception of:
- Personality changes: If loved ones have noticed you becoming more anxious, withdrawn, losing confidence, or seeming unlike your usual self since the relationship, it could signal codependent patterns. Loved ones may also point out that your moods seem to rise and fall based solely on your person's treatment of you.
- Another person's treatment of you: Friends and family may point out instances where the other person is controlling, critical, or dismissive of your needs that you've become blind to.
- Another person's behaviors: Outsiders may notice addictive, abusive, or other unhealthy behaviors in the other person that you’re making excuses for.
- Loss of independence, boundaries, and reciprocity: Your loved ones may express concern that you've dropped hobbies, interests, or your social circle since the relationship started. Or, that you are giving too much to your person at the expense of your own well-being, and without receiving the same in return.
Understanding interdependent vs codependent relationships with Two Chairs
No matter what kind of relationship you are in — whether it's with a partner, a friend, or even a colleague — trying to untangle yourself from a codependent relationship and create an interdependent one can be incredibly difficult.
While anyone can work to untangle codependency vs interdependency on their own, teaming up with a trusted professional is one of the best ways to understand your relationship dynamics and create healthier ones. Especially if you’ve experienced trauma or unhealthy relationship dynamics in the past, it can be helpful to seek the guidance and support of a trained therapist.
With Two Chairs, you can get matched with a professional who’s uniquely trained to help you understand the differences between codependency vs interdependency — and help you create healthier, more fulfilling connections.
